Suicide – Transformation from a Mother

Posted on by Translate Reality

Our Guest of Author today is a very special person in my life. She has taught me a great deal about transformation, resiliency and love. She is the author of the book Hidden Treasures and of the poem I will share today. We met approximately three years ago through unbelievable synchronicity that weaved our lives together. Our true connection began in April of 2003 when her twenty-two year old son died by suicide in front of me and passed away in my arms. His name was André Dupont. Today I am honoured to welcome Louise Dupont and discuss what I have learned about transformation from her.

Suicide. Death from Suffering

When our head Ashtanga Yoga teacher, Jonathan Austman, took his life I wrote an article about death from suffering. I shared a perspective on suicide that I believe we need to adopt and more importantly, perspectives that we need to drop. Death from suffering is tragic. It is not selfish; it is not weak. There is no other word necessary. It is tragic.

André died from suffering. We all suffer and the reality is, people die from suffering. To phrase it any other way invalidates a person’s tremendous pain. Louise has been a pillar of strength and honesty since the day we met in person for the first time. She knew someone had been with André when he died; eleven years later we answered many questions and voids that we both held about that horrific day. We pieced together a puzzle and gradually the puzzle became André’s legacy and for me, true transformation began.

Redirection

Andre’s death touched my life very deeply. In many ways, it began a path of self-reflection and complete redirection. I had to transform. Before his death, I too had contemplated ending my life. Contemplation became a reality for me more than once and thankfully, I survived. After I watched André’s soul leave and felt his deep, full-bodied breath that released it, I became reclusive and numb. I had survived trauma in my life and his death served as another incomprehensible event. I could not forgive myself for being unable to save his life. Rumination and regret layered upon me like a cold, invisible blanket that I wore for many years.

In my moments of suffering, I often thought of Andre. I wondered if he felt like I did. I wondered if I should take the same path as him. Mostly I wondered who I would have become if I hadn’t experienced what I did. I spent many years stuck in the concept of ‘what would I have been’. I had plans for my life, hopes, perceptions of what normalcy should look like. I was sure that the original version of me was dead and this new version was not an adaptation of the original but a means to an end. A version that arrived so I could live in this world, but never again would be in touch with my original self. I believed that person was dead and her potential, dreams and hopes died with her. I was a new person. One without a path; a foreign body and mind to house my soul.

Version 2.0

Louise and I spoke about this feeling. She shared my perspective of wondering what version would she have become had the circumstances of her life not been what they were. My sister, an experienced psychologist, said many of her patients who had experienced trauma expressed a similar sentiment. What could I have been? What should I have been? And, what am I now?
 
One of the most impactful aspects of knowing Louise has been her great ability to transform. There were times when we met and I felt guilty about my grief because she appeared to have transcended so much pain. It is not as if any mother can get over the grief of losing a child, however, she carries with her a tremendous resiliency and light.
 
I believe that if she can transform then we can all gain hope from her strength. What she lost is incomprehensible. Through her grief, she has written a book, investigated André’s life and legacy and transformed her mission into one of service. Her book, her work and her entire journey continues to inspire people to learn how to transform. To cope. And to speak about that which no one wants to speak about. Suicide. She is a mother, leader and survivor.

Transformation in the aftermath

Every experience transforms us. I have spent far too much time in my life trying to find a self or become a version of me that I believed I ‘should’ have become. I didn’t become that version. I never will. Louise has taught me so much about not having a fixed self. Knowing the grief she has gone through, one can only look to her as an incredible symbol of hope. A symbol of resiliency through accepting transformation.

This version is the self. Tomorrow I will be a new version. Perhaps the original version is not gone but instead, was never going to exist and it is only a perception that it would have. We never know what life will throw at us. I have changed and changed and changed. I continue to work toward change. So often though, I don’t know what the change is that I am working for.

The gateway

In many ways, André’s death forced me to reflect on how I was going to navigate my own life with everything that had happened and would happen after. There are moments where the weight of grief in my mind takes up more space than the happiness from the good. Those moments are the gateway to transformation.

This poem, Transformation, was written by Louise. She was kind enough to allow me to share it here and my hope is that it will inspire a sense of renewal, impermanence and rebirth. When I look in the mirror, I do not recognize the person I was yesterday. Tomorrow, I won’t recognize the person I am today.

Transformation

I look back in time

And recall all that confusion

A sense that I was

Groping my way through the dark

♥

I see in my mind’s eye

That young woman

Longing to find

Her place in the sun

So ill-equipped

So ill-prepared

To embark on that perilous journey

♥

The road taken was long and arduous

The contrast is very sharp

She has shed her dried up old skin

And donned a new re-vitalized version

The old ghosts hidden in her closet

Have all been laid to rest

♥

And so she stands before me now

Open to new possibilities

Ready to take on new challenges

Her life is full of hope and promise

I look to Louise as a source of great inspiration. Her grief is real and she has not turned away from it. She can speak about her son. She wrote a book, poetry and continues work on helping people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

The river of grief

There is an energy to grief. To terror and to rage. There is a living energy to any emotion that sticks in your mind like a shard of glass. It does not go away. It’s like a river that you cannot get around but you know that if you swim in it, you’ll drown. How do we face our obstacles, the energy of them, when we believe we will drown if we try?

What I have learned from Louise is that my original version never existed. The version I am today transformed from yesterday and many other yesterdays. The concept that we would be different if our past was different is an unnecessary burden to carry. That version was imagined. Life will never go as planned and that’s ok. If we can accept there is no fixed self and that we, as Louise has done, can transform the energy of our harms into healing, helping and evolving then we will never have a past version. All of us remain a work in progress.

Unfixed

I continue to let her poem wash over me in moments of regret, distress or hopelessness that my past has dictated a life that I never expected or planned for. My expectations and plans were merely a story that I imagined. Life unfolded differently and to this day, it continues to. Although I am not able to say with full honesty that I don’t wonder who I could have become, I can accept that those thoughts are empty. I transform every day and with every experience. We all do and in letting transformation happen, we are letting go of what holds us back. Letting in our real and true life circumstances is what makes space for accepting the unfixed self we all are.

Transformation and rebirth

Imagine the river; the energy of grief, rage, terror or regret. The river of emotion and loss that is so deep, it takes up too much space in the mind. In order to feel that pain and cross the river, we have to transform. Our current self may not be able to swim to the other side. The paradox of impermanence is that we lose what we love but we are never stuck with what we hate. Impermanence is guaranteed.

I cannot swim across the river as I am today. Tomorrow I can transform; shed my dried up old skin and open my eyes in the darkness. Perhaps with help, work and hope, I can grow a new type of skin. And see with new eyes. Then, perhaps, I will have transformed into something new. Something that can swim across the river, feeling every wave that crashes into me, and knowing that I cannot push it away but I can continue swimming. I can reach the other side with enough perseverance, acceptance and transformation. I will shed my human skin and become a fish. Once I arrive, I can transform again; into another version that is conducive to the life I will have found on the other side of the river.

Louise Dupont

Thank you Louise Dupont for this beautiful poem. I hope we will have Louise here again so she can help inspire us all. To be present, to allow ourselves to transform and to stand before ourselves as the master of our own creation.

You can visit Louise’s website and purchase her book, Hidden Treasures.

Louise is always willing to share her story; either through public speaking, group discussion or on a one-on-one basis. You can contact her about her work or her book by emailing louise.dupont1@live.com.

Much love to all those who knew André. His spirit is alive today and continues to impact people all over the world. André left many lessons for us all and it is with deep gratitude that I share a piece of his story. Pick up your copy of Louise’s book, Hidden Treasures. There may be a treasure in there for you, just as there was for me.

Here is a list of local resources for those suffering:

Feel free to comment below. Take good care of yourself.

Louise is always willing to share her story either through public speaking, group discussion or on a one on one basis

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