Vision 2021 – Translated Coronavirus Phases missing from Google Scholar

Pandemics have phases. There is a multitude of scales, calculations and comparisons. Sometimes we call them waves. Then we have super spreader events, one of the newest terms in the game. Epidemics within a pandemic. It is complex and I’m not sure how open the scientific community would be to my suggested terminology changes for the official phases of COVID-19; however, my hope is that they resonate with you. The below modifications to the phases of a pandemic are more descriptive perspectives of how this is unfolding. These translated coronavirus phases are my own creation but I am willing to negotiate with scholars on rewriting these in an official format.

Phase One.

January 2020 – May 2020: Completely lose your shit and panic in an apocalyptic way.

This phase of the pandemic was wild. At no point during that period did anyone feel that anything was under control. An additional reason to panic was that no one knew what the fuck ‘coronavirus’ was and Corona beer revenue actually suffered. They had to respond, on Twitter, to accusations of causing coronavirus. That’s significant. The World Health Organization declared a pandemic and leadership was not aligned on a response. Because again, everyone was like what the shit is coronavirus and why are we upset about a cold and beer and beer causing colds?! Things went from chill to apocalypse at Mach 10 speed and everyone lost their shit.

We’re all celebrities now!

People chopped off their hair on live TV because this is the era where everyone can be on live TV. Thanks to Facebook, Youtube, TikTok, Instagram, Google, you name it; the world became separated like fighting toddlers and had a tantrum – adult style. The insurmountable number of videos online showing people doing stupid shit was almost my sole source of entertainment during the lose your shit and panic phase. It was amazing.

Zoomcrashing became a thing and I fucking loved it. People tried to continue life at home, while panicking and doing idiotic things, and so much of it included attempts to be a professional. It was batshit crazy. Some horrific tiger show that I did not watch seemed to have harnessed society in a very usual way. Panic, apparently, manifests as weird television, toilet paper hoarding and a sudden influx of sour dough bread addicts. I felt crazy during this period, however, I somehow fit in and all the things considering, I was shockingly sane compared to the calibre of insanity that went live during this phase.

The phase ended with false promises of economic triumph, restarting normalcy as if it still existed and ignoring science. The virus would go away…poof…and drinking bleach fixes it. Go to work. End of phase one.

Phase Two.

June 2020 – August 2020: We have restarted safely! Have cautious fun!

People having fun. For some, it was cautious fun. For others, it was an unrelenting, primitive reaction to phase one isolation. Patio hopping, partying, and celebrating the end of the bullshit that was socially-distanced “fun”. It was NOT fun. Normal Party Time! (*said the virus*)

Even though I anticipated that there would be a wave in the fall, I had cautious fun in the hopes that I would be able to have reckless fun in the very near future. For me, it didn’t include patios or partying. That had nothing to do with the pandemic and more to do with my lack of social life.

It was interesting because it was so easy to be convinced that COVID-19 was over, even though other parts of the world were evidence that it was not over. We wanted it to end so badly but in looking back, why would we think it was gone? Other countries were getting slammed, there was no vaccine or treatment. Just magic? Yes. This is the magic phase. So phase two was amazing. Blind, ignorant happiness! That’s the best kind of happiness. I loved it.

Phase Two and a Half.

September 2020 – November 2020: The school culture and principal Petri dish.

Blind, ignorant happiness begins to dissipate as the virus stickhandles its way through the promises of super safe restart early economical plans of wonder. Why have these plans failed? We opened businesses safely. We told the virus there was a 25% occupancy and apologized for not offering more. We said eleven people only. We opened schools all over the world simultaneously. Millions of children and teachers returned to classrooms. What the shit happened here? I did NOT see this coming.

The school viral culture began and was one of immense success (if you are the virus). School stunned us all! It was the grand poohbah of petri dishes and no one could have predicted this would happen after the first half of phase two. After all the partying and happiness and then millions of parents and children and teachers …. but how? I just don’t understand.

To clarify

This half-phase is simply a collapse of the first part of phase two – the delusional phase. But no one is blaming anyone or anything.

Except for the regenesis and expansion of Neanderthals that believed the outbreak was “fake”. This was another petri dish of viral problems. They proliferated quickly and there was no chance of contamination, since they were already incubating in denial.

Phase Two is an avalanche of disbelief

Phase two is an incredibly pivotal phase. It is the phase that must be split into two sub-phases because perception is what truly shapes phase two. During this phase, perception is like a slow growing seed of truth. It’s easy to ignore a rooting plant, a tiny shrub or what seems to be an insignificant couple of Dandylions. Look at the beautiful fluffy fluffs spreading everywhere! 

Confusion sets in during phase two. It is when WTFs are at their highest. Not quite as bad as March 2020 (nothing will be in history ever), however, this phase is a close second due to the shock value. The Dandylions are now Jumanji. The petri dish of transmission that we call school continued until about November 2020. This month was particularly terrifying due to the combination of a pandemic and the US election. It was impossible to panic hard enough.

This phase is also called the “I told you so” phase. It’s for the community who was working on preventing the pandemic from getting worse during phase two and getting shit on by the community of people lavishing in sunshine, bonbons and self-imposed obliviousness.

Phase Three.

November 2020 – January 2021: I THOUGHT THIS WAS OVER.

November 2020 is when numbers had already gone up significantly from the ignorance and beauty of the first half of phase two. Phase three is when cases begin to skyrocket, despite the overwhelming belief that Santa would make it go away. Certain countries cancel Thanksgiving. Halloween was out.

There was a mixed response from schools during this phase; some offered remote learning solutions and some did not have the infrastructure or preparedness to do that. Parents were like “meh, I know QUITE a bit of shit. I’m not Einstein but I kept you alive – you’re getting home schooled kid! Your day begins after you bring me coffee and yes, you are graded on quality”.

The shit really hit the fan when certain harder-hit jurisdictions (who dove aggressively into the first half of phase two and begin to emerge from the cloud of ignorance) announced that Christmas was cancelled. Stolen. That someone stole Christmas. Not the Grinch you’re thinking of – different one this year. The actual Grinch has remained happily in lock down. He loved 2020.

No Christmas? Explain.

Another phase of panic, rage and WTFs. This was a new calibre of flip out from phase one. The missing layer was profound fear and concern, with the exception of the health sector directly involved with COVID-19. Every single other person knew exactly what was going on and what should happen. The concept of cancelling Christmas was another big WTF. What exactly do you mean? Christmas happens whether you like it or not. I totally get where these people are coming from.

Except not, because this is a fucking pandemic.

Essential item list reflects essential item decision-maker’s gender

Everything that was not essential was blocked off from purchase. Ropes were tied around non-essential objects such as toys, Christmas decorations and ‘non-essential’ products, such as hair elastics. Clearly, the essential item list was created and approved by a man. No woman ever in the history of women would deem hair elastics non-essential when you are living in a pandemic with no resources, you don’t want or need to shower and everyday is no-pants-day.

What do you think we do with our hair? Blow dry and curl it on day 77 of total lockdown? Fuck.

This is also the phase of panicky questions. If you can cancel Christmas, what does this mean? The Olympics – okay, we understood that. Thanksgiving – I guess. We’re not that thankful anyway. But Christmas ho ho ho candy cane excess gluten? NO! The essential item list without hair elastics has left me no choice but to listen to your suggested essential items. That is, alcohol, cannabis and food.

You will pay for therapy.

The life sucking outdoor sensations of Canadian winters amplify this mentality. This phase is brutal. The Zoom fun has ended. The memes are slowly becoming a bit more of a tragic comedy. Everything is balls.

Phase Four.

February 2021: I fully and totally give up. I take 1000 mg of Fukitol a day. 


During this phase, people have gone from funny crazy to uncool crazy. Worrisome crazy. It’s crazy on a global level. Average depression is expected. Full-blown psychosis is acceptable.

People are pushing through the days using any array of substances that keeps life moving. The toilet paper apocalypse has been on and off. Toilet paper fears continue to fluctuate. Everyone is exhausted. There is talk of vaccines, new waves, changes in the virus and nobody can keep up with the panic. The panic is dead. Now there is free-floating rage about restrictions, grief and mass adoption of cats.

No pants? No problem.

There is a new hope that comes out in phase four. It’s subtle. No pants day became everyday. Surrender. It’s like a peaceful depression. I think a lot of people feel it. It is part of knowing that we made it through the hard, long winter and that new treatments are coming out. March 2020 and March 2021 are nothing alike. In March 2020, we all fell. In March 2021, we’re beginning to stand up. 

Vaccines are being rolled out and the virus is much better understood. We are no longer in Jumanji. Where there was no hope at all, there is now hope in the form of knowledge, experience and resiliency. Saying that, there is definitely warranted grief. Global grief from global trauma. There are also new layers of community and a new, shared understanding of how much we need one another. In this phase, we can see a small light.

We want to believe fighting will make it feel better. During this phase, a lot of people that were fighting in early phases have slowed down and shifted. Taking a moment to look around. This is real. It’s time to adapt; no more denial.

March 2021: It has been a year. You’ve overstayed your lack of welcome.

I don’t know what this phase will look like. I intentionally did not call it phase five.
It may not be the end of the pandemic. It will have been one year since the declaration by the World Health Organization. March 2020 was a terror show. March 2021 could be a hopeful time. A time to look at what we’ve been through and decide how to recreate our future. To decide we’re going to thrive.

We’re all really tired of COVID-19. They have an actual term for it now. It’s called “COVID Fatigue’. It means “being tired of COVID-19”. So happy someone came up with that. Thank fuck.

My sarcasm and swearing is due to COVID Fatigue. It’s a condition.

All joking aside, I’m going to believe March 2021 is phase one of something new. That’s the story I’m telling myself, dammit! After phase four, we’ve arrived at adaptive capacity, rebuilding, recovering and a bit more acceptance. The battle of ‘belief’ is over. Perhaps there are still rumbles but they are really of no value now. The world has learned so much about health, disease transmission and ourselves as vulnerable human beings. We can’t go back and unlearn what we’ve learned. That’s why I think March 2021 and beyond is going to be different. Hopefully, it will be much better.

I am entering March 2021 as a phase one. A new beginning.

Cautiously, optimistically and with flexibility, I believe we could begin to steady ourselves into a new normal.  Spring is a good time for something new!