Cutting Onions – No Tears, No Troubles

Have you ever cut an onion and experienced a few tears? Perhaps more than a few? Cutting onions is a very tumultuous activity. It can make even the most rough and tough person crumble into a sobbing kitchen disaster destined to never to cook again. In this Life Hack, I will provide step by step onion cutting instructions and an explanation as to why cutting onions is possible with no tears and no troubles. I will preface by saying, the reason you have tears when you cut onions is because you’re a big huge baby with unresolved emotional issues.

Or, it is because you have sulfuric acid in your eye. Sulfuric acid. You have ACID in your effin’ eyes! Need I say more? Probably.

Cutting Onion

Step by Step

1. Prepare for onion cutting with a very sharp knife, cutting board and onion. And an audience.
2. Stick out your tongue as far as you can.
3. Attempt to breathe through your mouth however, if this is not comfortable it is acceptable, but slightly less effective, to breathe through the nose with the tongue out.
4. Keep your tongue out the entire time you’re cutting or cooking the onion.
5. If you need a break, DO NOT retract your tongue. Back away slowly and begin tongue retraction when you’re a significant distance from the onion.
6. When you are ready to return to the onion area, begin this process at Step 2.

Onion to Acid

Step by Step

When you chop the onion, you begin a complex chemical process. Onions contain phytochemicals which help the body fight disease and promote good health. In fact, back in the day onion juice was used to treat shot gun wounds (keep that tip in your back pocket, for safety).

1. The fun onion journey begins with two molecules called Speedy Changers (enzymes). They are called Onion Fire 1 (lachrymatory-factor synthase) and Onion Fire 2 (alliinase). Onion Fire 1 is a sulfur containing chemical. The other Speedy Changer, Onion Fire 2, takes immediate action when the onion is cut and is kind of like a shape shifter. It shifts things around like nobody’s business. Both Speedy Changers are involved in making the final product; eyeball destroying sulfuric acid.
2. Onion Fire 1 and 2 form a team and completely destabilize, ransack and obliterate the original molecule from the onion (when it was not cut). Then, like jungle monsters, they spit it out as another molecule called Onion Fire 3 (propanethial-s-oxide).
3. Now that Onion Fire 1 and 2 have created the ogre we call Onion Fire 3, the real excitement begins. Onion Fire 3 makes contact with air and is released as a vapor. The reason for this is because Onion Fire 1 is dissatisfied with the structure of the original molecule, who looks just fine IMHO, however Onion Fire 1 is flat out relentless. It’s very inconsiderate because the new structure is unstable and therefore feels inadequate, afraid and unsure of itself. We all need stability.
4. Onion Fire 3 is not the complacent type, is justifiably offended and so it rearranges itself to be sexy af. Prior to rearrangement, Onion Fire 3 is a slightly different molecule and of its own accord, it makes the big internal shift. Atomic awesomeness.
5. Onion Fire 3 floats around in the air as you cut the onion. For understandable reasons, OF3 is feeling disheveled from all the rearranging and structural issues, so in retaliation it reacts violently with water. When Onion Fire 3 decides to take on water, the closest source is your eye. A massive reaction ensues. The water. The air. Onion Fire. OMG. The result?
6. The vapor is now sulfuric acid. Not only that, the acid comes in contact with your Tear Makers (lachrymal glands) which creates EVEN MORE WATER to piss off Onion Fire 3. OF3 has gone through so much, from the Speeder Changers to the personal rearrangement to the apocalyptic fight with water. It’s ready to burn down the town at this point.
7. The Tear Makers have a plethora of nerve endings nearby who notice the culinary activities. They send a friendly signal to the central nervous system, which we will call Your Body, and the signal is a kind of SOS Morse code. Your body responds by alerting you of said signal through a sensation, known as extreme pain.
8. Sulfuric acid is vaporized directly into your eye. You cry. The resulting tears cause the mighty sulfuric acid to generate heat, burn the eyes, create more volatile reactions and you basically have battery acid eyes now. Nice work.

Scienced that Shit!

The scientific methodology of sticking out your tongue during onion cutting is that once Onion Fire 3 is released into the air, it will rapidly make contact with water molecules and the fight is on. Onion Fire 3 is a badass. Additionally, cutting with a very sharp knife instead of your kid’s plastic cutlery will reduce the amount of vapor released, thus reducing the risk of battery acid eyeball syndrome.

Your tongue contains plenty of water molecules. Simple logic – redirect the sulfuric acid. Yes, I just told you to encourage acid to go into your mouth. You’re welcome. The concentration of acid that is released is not corrosive enough to burn through your eye or every Chef would be blind. Although sulfuric acid is not a great meal plan as it can cause erosion to the mouth, throat and esophagus, the amount released from an onion is not enough to cause damage or even discomfort.

Plus, your tongue is not near all of the nerve endings in your eye and will therefore not cause Onion Sobfest. This technique is not only effective but also makes you look ultra-cool in the kitchen.