Challenging the deep shame of self-care

When I initially learned about the concept of self-care, I felt very ambivalent about committing to something so staggeringly narcissistic, embarrassing and crazy. Taking care of myself? Just leave. Absolutely ridiculous. Let’s talk about challenging the shame of self-care and why we need to put our own oxygen mask on first.

Shame Spiral

I was privileged enough to see Brené Brown at a conference. She spoke about shame and how people feel it even attending her talks because of the fear that they may be seen. I had intentionally entered the conference with my head ducked, pre-purchased my tickets and walked (darted) to a chair in the back row. I looked around, panicking, and hoping that no one I knew would see me. Actually, I hoped no human would see me. When Brené Brown discussed my exact real-time experience, I became even more embarrassed. I thought ‘OMG! She knows what I’m thinking…this is crazy embarrassing where is the fire escape!’
*Shame spiral!*

Somehow in our society, we have martyred being busy. Conversely, there is a perception that taking care of oneself is vain and it elicits the image of a woman in big sunglasses, sitting on a yacht, getting her toe nails painted and drinking a Mojito served by sexy, single man. In a speedo. In the Bahamas. Snoop Dog is there. And it’s Christmas day too.

The Busyness Martyr Award

Becoming a busyness martyr is not something to aspire to be and yet, we praise the people who work themselves into the ground. When I made the change from being a busyness martyr to being on Team Take Care of Myself, I became happier, more conscious and more generous. I felt shame and discomfort initially but I was taught by very wise teachers, called Flight Attendants, that you always put your own oxygen mask on first. You need to be healthy and alive to care for others and to be a positive, impactful person in this world.

Challenging the Shame of Self-Care

Self-care isn’t simply #yachtlife. Most of us are busy with multiple jobs, financial stress, lower back pain and an overactive mind. We don’t schedule ‘do nothing’ time. We feel anxious if there are times in our day with nothing scheduled. Doing nothing is hard because we are often faced with an even worse situation than our busy lives; our busy mind!
*double shame spiral!*

We need to drop the busyness martyr awards. We need to unglue our hand from our forehead and stop complaining that we have no time, work too much and are exhausted. I believe if martyr mentality was not put on a pedestal, we wouldn’t feel as if it was wrong to take really good care of ourselves. There is no such thing as not ‘having time’ for self-care. There is, however, not ‘making time’ for self-care. We all have the exact same amount of time in our week. It’s our choice how we use it.

Self-Care. What is that? Where’s my yacht?

Self-care is self-awareness. That’s where it has to begin. Looking inward and saying ‘how can I help myself right now? What is happening in this moment?’ That might be walking, taking a vacation day, setting healthy boundaries, organizing something fun or acknowledging small beauties. Flowers. Fresh cut grass. Awareness of breathing. Laughter. Sunlight. A sweet blog. For me, self-care includes listening to a meditation before bed. Sometimes it is the sound of rain. Sometimes it is guided. I use a wonderful pair of Sleep Phones and carry them with me on every trip. Self-care is a lifestyle!

Feel proud of yourself every time you put on your own oxygen mask. We need our health, steadiness and stability in order to help others and live a balanced life. Self-care takes strategy, intention and commitment. By committing to your own care, you’re committing to being the best version of yourself. And that is really something to celebrate.