Granola Bar Practice – Attached to the Unresolved

My Granola Bar Practice has been an incredibly important part of my life. It has given me a new outlook on humanity and our common suffering. The practice was initially about generosity. Connection. Serving others when I was suffering. Over the years, I’ve noticed many patterns of my own psyche reveal themselves throughout the practice. Being attached, in so many ways, became more apparent and the unresolved has demonstrated itself to be an inner tension that I carry. One could say ‘let go’. Perhaps in this article, I can offer compassion to those who cannot let go. We can’t let go until we let in and usually, that means letting in our own baggage so we can look directly at it. I suppose that’s where I am at with my Granola Bar Practice. I am attached to the unresolved and unable to let go because I haven’t finished letting in.

Granola Bar Practice

Many moons ago, I wrote my first article about how much the practice has benefited me and how many moments of humility, connection and kindness I have experienced. All of this continues to be true. My car is an open invitation for granola bar eaters. As I always do before it gets too cold, I begin to memorize the people who stand in certain places; striking up good conversation after I’ve met them a few times.

After my first article, I wrote a second about a troubling encounter I had while offering granola bars. Perhaps some could have easily brushed it off; the volatile, angry interaction we had. I couldn’t. It stayed with me as I drove home. It stayed with me days after. And today, it has stayed with me. Still, I feel something when I look at that interaction in my memory.

Letting Go of Attachment

We all have bad days and I truly believe the advice ‘don’t take anything personally’ is genius. Everyone is always responding to themselves. It might feel like people are responding to you and in many ways, they are trying. It is never without the lens of their own beliefs, opinions and past experiences. So it is wise advice to let go. Unfortunately I am absolutely unable to take that advice. I can’t even let go of this article I’m writing.

I read a fantastic article on taking things personally and how destructive it can be; it was written on a blog that I absolutely love, Tiny Buddha.

*grasps to Tiny Buddha*

The Unresolved Void

After my interaction with Granola Bar Guy who told me I had no purpose, yelled at me and dropped fifty F-bombs per minute, I did not see him again. I looked the next day feeling a mix of fear, anger and admittedly, resentment. All these feelings stemmed from the belief that something was unresolved. We had a negative interaction that I didn’t understand; things between us were hostile. Why did I feel so unresolved? And why did my sense of inner tension come out as anger, resentment, fear and relentless confusion about what happened. Just let go, they say. But yet, I could not.

I watched for him the following day. And the next day. And the next day after that. After a week or so, I felt perhaps I had driven him away. What if this man was so broken that I triggered him into an even further state of suffering? I continued to think about him, wondering why he had stood at the same intersection with his dog for so long and the day after he met me, he disappeared. I could have taken another route home but I didn’t. I wanted to find out where he was. I felt so unresolved and because of that, letting go was not possible. I couldn’t let go of something that screamed ‘unfinished business’.

Investigating Granola Bar Struggles

All endings aren’t happy endings and by no means will every Granola Bar Practice go positively however this interaction was the worst I had ever encountered. And so, I was tense. I held it inside. I was attached; grasping at questions that perhaps had no relevance to my emotion. Would it help me if I knew what was happening with him? And why was the practice suddenly about me?

Red Light Insight

After many weeks I saw another man standing at the same corner. I arrived at a red light right beside where he was standing. I opened my window and gave him a granola bar (success) and then asked him a question. I told him about Granola Bar Guy, described his appearance and said he was always with a dog, owned a bike and all other details I could recall. I told him the story of our interaction and that I was honestly worried about whether he was alive or not.

He told me he thought he knew who I was talking about and that there was significant health issues there. He also said if I offer something to someone, I should never feel badly if they refuse it or are rude to me. Insight seemed to come naturally to this man; he told me an offer is an act of kindness and that I should never let myself suffer because someone else reacted negatively to an offer to help. I thanked him for the advice and took it to heart. I also felt happy that Granola Bar Guy was alive. I have, perhaps, a perpetual fear of suicide and the thought of driving someone who already needs help further into depression is a most terrifying thought.

Attached

Often we think of attachment as an act of love. To love so much that you’re attached; I completely understand that form of attachment. Attachment also means grasping to negative events, conversations or misunderstandings. I have noticed in myself, I actually attach harder to interpersonal challenges than I do to positive interactions. I take people’s opinions and voices to heart and am often unable to separate their experience from my own. This outlook on shared experiences is both helpful and harmful. The experience is shared but it is not my experience. My experience is separate from others, even though an interaction (external stimuli) is shared.

Eventually I stopped thinking about Granola Bar Guy, with the exception of my rides home. Every time I passed the intersection he stood on, I thought of him. It was an incredible amount of rumination and over-thinking. Months passed and I continued to think of Granola Bar Guy when I drove home from work, what had happened in his life, why this world was so cruel (yes, I took it all the way to that level) and much more. Stories, worries, feelings; all of them wrapped up in the ambiguous and murky glue of life. Attachment.

Inward View of Attachment

As I reflected over many months about my Granola Bar Guy-related emotion, I realized all of it was coming from attachment. I had cultivated a grasping attitude toward our interaction, my inability to resolve it (to “fix”) and I was even grasping at my anger toward myself…for grasping. The Granola Bar Practice is meant, primarily, to serve others however as with every practice that one puts their heart into, there are moments and layers that challenge you to look deeper and ask yourself questions.

Why am I sad? Because I blame myself for his reaction. Why am I still thinking about it? Because I blame myself for not resolving it. Why am I tense when I drive down this street? Because it reminds me of a moment where I felt attacked and threatened. All attachment, all the time. Why am I entertaining this ongoing, internal dialogue? Because I am human.

Granola Bar Guy Returns

Recently Granola Bar Guy returned to his preferred location. The dog looked quite run down, which worried me (*grasps to the dog*). I’ve noticed myself doing one of two things; driving by with my hand over my cheek so there is no chance he will recognize me (avoidance – check) or hoping he will notice me and give me the opportunity to resolve things (how to lie to yourself.com).

The worst part of what I’ve noticed is that a part of me wants him to talk to me, so I can remind him that he told me to never speak to him again and that I have no purpose. That part of me, I’ve noticed, wants to retaliate. It wants to get my own power back from the situation of misunderstanding and anger. It is a part of me that concerns me the most and so it is the work I need to do.

I know compassion is in me, but I also notice my ego trying to come up with ‘resolution actions’. These actions would be futile; they would make the situation worse. My best recourse is to resolve it within myself and let Granola Bar Guy live his life. Any interaction at all would likely amplify tension for us both.

The Perpetual Unresolved

There is no action needed, other than accepting what happened. It has not dissuaded me from giving out granola bars. I’ve had so many wonderful interactions since then. Granola Bar Guy was truly my biggest negative reaction ever; therefore 99.9% of my interactions have been positive. So what gives?

Ego. My ego is what gives. Or should I say ‘who gives’. My ego gives a huge flying fuck about this. It’s super offended that my snack-related kindness caused me to get yelled at, sworn at and made me cry.

Granola Bar Guy now stands in his normal location and when I drive by him, I notice my body and breath. I stay calm and send him a non-verbal (safety first) message of compassion. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you be filled with ease. I notice my ego feeling happy that I offered something. It wants to believe that it can neutralize what happened before. The ego has to classify everything into good and bad, right and wrong; labels are the ego’s fluctuating, daily mask.

It is what it is

This is a beautiful quote from the same blog, Tiny Buddha.

“To keep your temper, knowledge is power, and knowledge plus acceptance is even more powerful. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, simply acknowledgement. Acceptance that it is what it is can go a long way toward defusing your anger and redirecting that energy toward positive action or loving-kindness.”

I probably learned more about myself from my two negative experiences with Granola Bar Guy than I have with any other snack-related, compassion project. It revealed so much about where I am at with attachment, letting go, acceptance and maneuvering through interpersonal challenges. In all honesty, if you’re reading this and can see the unnecessary turmoil I put myself through for a guy who simply didn’t want a granola bar, you can only imagine the stories and worries I tell myself when I have a challenging interpersonal experience with someone close to me. There is no amount of rumination that will save me from me. I’m relentless.

*grasps to relentlessness*

Attached to the Negative

Attachment can take many forms and that includes attachment to negative experiences. In fact, we grasp to those even harder than our positive ones. Perhaps it is a good thing, in some ways, that the psyche grasps to that which we can learn from. The mind is attracted to the negative more naturally than the positive. And so with this experience, I gained a great deal of insight into myself and continue to as I drive by Granola Bar Guy each week. I remind myself that this practice isn’t about me, that my thoughts are not necessarily true, that my attachment is human and deprecation of my own mind will only create further suffering. If I allow myself to suffer because I haven’t done the work on self-awareness and regulation, how can I alleviate it from others? How can I share a compassionate approach to life when I am still working on it?

I can do so while still working on it. Simultaneously. Perhaps by writing about my own troubles and flaws. Judgments and mind traps. Perhaps I can offer compassion to those of you who have attachment; I do as well. Perhaps I can practice self-compassion. Perhaps you can as well.

We’re all a work in progress. I am human.