Mindfulness. Have you heard the word before? It’s extremely popular. Mindfulness is a truly wonderful practice and approach to life. It has become the fastest-growing health trend in North America. Here is an easy to follow PDF on the Study of Mindfulness that summarizes five years of research conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. This is a bit amusing, if you can laugh at the human condition, because mindfulness is learning to be in our lives. Living has become a trend. Like…before we did it wrong. But now we’ve got it. Living. Time magazine even said so.
Mindfulness for Over-Thinkers
Today I will tell you a story of how my first mindfulness experience was received by my over-thinking mind as a real and significant threat to my very life. I survived, but barely. I hope to illustrate how truly impactful our thoughts can be, despite our environment. Our only reality is awareness. When awareness is focused on thought, the story that unfolds can be a beautiful Disney fantasy or a Stephen King calibre, horror show.
Mindfulness Trends
Over the past five years, there has been a threefold leap in mindfulness meditation practice. Mindfulness techniques are being used to reduce stress, cope with chronic pain and even in some schools detention is being replaced by a meditation practice.
The military has employed mindfulness practices in order to teach soldiers how to focus, stay in the moment and remain steady. This is an interesting use for the practice, given that its very roots stem from a non-violent approach to life. A fascinating article was written in 2014 on this topic by one of my former teachers, Michael Stone.
Mindfulness, Meditation and Both
Let’s clarify the difference between mindfulness, meditation and mindfulness meditation practice. All three are different and I’ve noticed that many people believe these three words are synonymous to one another. Each is unique in its practice and essence.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. Mindfulness involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them. To be present and non-judgmental is to be mindful.
Meditation
Meditation is a broad term referring to any family of practices in which the practitioner trains their mind or self-induces a state of consciousness. Meditation is a vessel, or a space, and a practice fits in it. It’s a practice of consciousness, awareness; healing or loving kindness. A vast and open vessel with an immeasurable landscape of variation, that is individualized in the greatest sense of the word.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness Meditation is using a meditation to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced in many ways; walking, doing dishes, being with your children, eating or listening. Putting a mindfulness practice into the vessel of meditation is a wonderful way to experience all that arises in life and give ourselves a chance notice, investigate, non-identify and perhaps even accept all that is arising.
MBSR Program
Although mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism, it was in part due to the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn and his Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program, launched at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, that helped shift the practice to a more secular approach. In no way did this take away from the benefits that traditional practices offered; I believe it modernized the way we connect with them.
We live in a society where mindfulness needs to help us, in a way that parallels our modern day health care and educational systems. In many ways, mindfulness practice is a prophylactic approach that can also be a tool for intervention and recovery. We always need to be with what is really happening; this is often our path out of suffering. Avoiding reality may seem like the way to freedom but what we resist, persists. Since the inception of the MBSR program in 1979, thousands of studies have documented the physical and mental health benefits of mindfulness.
Mindless Registration into Mindfulness Practice
My introduction to mindfulness was enrolling in an MBSR course at my local yoga studio. The instructors, Narda and Bonnie, were teachers of mine that I greatly respected, knew well and trusted. I had been a student of meditation for many years at a meditation school and when I saw the poster for a stress reduction course, I signed up immediately. I didn’t read the description, course content or purpose. I liked the title and when I saw that two of my favourite teachers were running it, I didn’t even bother asking what MBSR stood for before I registered.
I will preface this story with a bit of reassurance for all those who believe they are over-thinkers, can’t quiet their mind and therefore have no hope of stopping that hamster who seems to continue running in that stupid circle called your egoic awareness. The outrageous situation I got myself into during my first experience with MBSR, knowing I had about TEN YEARS of meditation practice under my belt, should illuminate the fact that you are normal. You are a normal, over-thinking, hamster-dominated superstar. Work it.
Ready. Set. Mindful Panic.
Narda and Bonnie are a combination of incredible success. They are like a love sandwich that teaches life (take a moment to visualize that…). They run many workshops together and so their dynamic is natural, supportive, kind and compassionate. Both of them are truly angels. I also had a friend in the course with me; a fellow teacher at the yoga studio. All of the students were wonderful, engaged and dedicated. It was truly a gift to be in the course.
So on Day 1, I lost my shit completely, hit fetal position and then actually ran away.
Anyway, that’s a true story but we’ll move past it. Fleeing is kind of my thing.
Day of Mindfulness
After a few weeks in the course we had a Day of Mindfulness scheduled. It was a six hour retreat at the most beautiful hotel in our city, the Hotel Fort Garry. I began panicking about the Day of Mindfulness shortly after I was told it existed. After many weeks of forcefully asking both Narda and Bonnie questions about what we would be doing, I arrived at the big day. Six hours. Mindfulness. OMG. Can I be present with my thoughts for six hours?
No. No I apparently cannot.
Silence is Never Silent
Shortly after arriving, we learned the day would be primarily silent and were given a schedule. We would practice mindfulness via walking, eating, sitting and a few breaks for rest. We were also offered the guidance of both Narda and Bonnie; they were open to speaking with anyone quietly if they felt they needed some extra help getting through the day.
As I mentioned, they are a love sandwich of support and kindness. Bonnie has over thirty years of experience in healing and integral well-being; Narda is a psychotherapist with a Master’s degree in clinical counseling. So their support came from a very knowledgeable, intelligent and experienced place. Anyone with a shred of rationality would ask for help from these two experts. I did not ask for help once. I have a Master’s degree in ‘let’s not ask for help when it’s offered because we’re stubborn’. Crushed it.
My Mindful Lunch Demise
I spent the morning trying to focus on counting my breaths; I had practiced this technique of coming away from my thoughts and into my breath as a way of staying safe from the Jumanji of unknown horrors (my mind). Eventually it was lunch time; my most challenging time in this particular setting.
It was a three course meal served by a well-dressed young man. Every person in the course reported later that day that the silent lunch was the highlight of the day; it allowed them to really taste and savor food without any need to make small talk. My experience was not exactly aligned with the majority vote.
Mindful Assumptions
From the moment I sat down, I started feeling intense anxiety. In front of me was Narda; she maintained her typical calm, lovely demeanor however she wasn’t smiling. We were not allowed to look one another in the eyes during the day (in order to cultivate a more internal experience) and so I immediately concluded that Narda was furious. In no way, whatsoever, was she actually angry. However I equated silence with anger, saw her lack of smile and assumed she was pissed af. She hates me, I know it, FML.
Bonnie sat very close by as well, holding my hand periodically or leaning over to give me a non-verbal pep talk. I also attributed her silence to deep, secret anger toward me. Perhaps I should look at what my response to anger is; I’ll bet one reader it’s shutting down into silence…
Stress Reduction. I think I registered in the wrong level.
Shortly into the lunch, I began silently crying. Acid seemed to be filling my blood. Food noises were everywhere. It was like being in the middle of a symphony of forks scratching against plates, chewing, swallowing, food smells and the occasional groan from one of the happy eaters around me. A groan of enjoyment from them; a sob from me. I was so angry at myself that things escalated quickly. I was suffocating in the noises, the smells and the belief that I ‘had’ to eat. For the record, in no way did I have to do anything, was free to bring a lunch if I wanted or just eat later. Narda even made sure there was a vegetarian soup because she knew I liked it and somehow in that moment, the soup looked like cyanide. Or potion. Evil potion.
I was sweating, my heart rate was rising and even as I watched my shaking fingers rip off a tiny piece of bun, I knew if I put it in my mouth that death would surely, surely come. I was having suicidal thoughts, I think. I became so upset that I felt like my only choice in life was to succumb to defeat and hopelessness.
Awareness Reduces Stress
A moment of clarity came and released me from the mental prison when I noticed the thought ‘I can’t live like this‘. It was not simply a thought; it was a conclusion that I was truly devastated about and wholeheartedly believed to be accurate.
Let me elaborate on what I mean by the thought ‘I can’t live like this‘. Brace yourself for the most irrational, ludicrous explanation you have ever heard. This is the actual story I told myself, believed and flipped out about.
Thoughts. Got me again!
I believed that because I was having such a hard time eating in silence, if someone I loved decided to become a monk or move to a monastery or move anywhere on Earth that had silent eating, I would not be able to go with them. I might not want to go with them but because I was so shitty at silent eating, I would not EVEN HAVE THE CHOICE which means, I was guaranteed to lose someone I love. Everyone was going to abandon me because of my inability to eat silently.
I was also not enjoying it like everyone else and that meant I was definitely crazy. Great. Not only have I been completely abandoned by all my friends who will become lifelong silent eaters but I am a failure at eating and everyone knows it. I’m a lonely, silent, failure. I hate my life. I hate myself. I can’t live like this. Kill me (tragic comedy music ensues).
Get a Grip on your Life
When I finally noticed where my thoughts had taken me, the absurd story in my mind snapped me back into the present moment. It was like being snapped back by ridiculousness.
I was being served a gourmet lunch by a sexy man. A sexy, blue-eyed man in white gloves. My teachers were lovely, trusted people sitting nice and close to me. I was safe. I was in a beautiful hotel. Most importantly, at no point will silent eating be a permanent part of my life. No one I knew was moving to a monastery or anywhere else. I was on a one day, SIX HOUR retreat.
It was an epic moment of mindfulness because I noticed. It took a while…but I finally caught myself. I was even a bit amused that I had let the story go on for so long that I was grieving the loss of my silent-eating loved ones. My god I’ll miss them. *sniff sniff*
Mindfulness Freed Me from Me
From the outside, it was a day of luxury. I sat around, walked in a park, drank tea and watched other people eat lunch. From my inner world, it was a day of struggle, sadness, defeat, panic, anger, fear, amusement, insight and gratitude. I saw how powerfully my mind could use fear to create and control my perspective of an experience.
Liberation
After I finished the course and discovered what a convincing story-teller my mind could be, I arrived at a point of realization that I actually didn’t have to believe, listen to or even give a shit about my thoughts. I had the power to stop them from escalating before they took me for a ride on the Horror Express. It was incredibly liberating.
I still had a great deal of work ahead of me however that moment of insight into myself and a possible path to freedom gave me a surge of motivation to continue mindfulness practice and to learn more about my mind. It seemed to me that my mind had never been mine. I wanted to become familiar with the resident of my head, despite the rated R version of my life that it created.
Learning to See
I learned to see certain parts of my character that were driving a lot of my behaviors. I had to learn a new way to approach the striving mentality in order to loosen the grip it had on my mind, emotions and actions. The striving mentality has helped me a lot in life but it has also caused a great deal of suffering. Striving in University was positive; I wanted to be a very good student. I also strived in areas such as; hiding my suffering, looking outwardly composed when I needed help and judging myself critically because I believed it motivated me to work harder, be better and be strong.
All these beliefs changed when I began to build a relationship with my mind. We got to know one another.
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction
The MBSR course is available through many avenues now and it has expanded so areas such as Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy and Mindfulness Based Relapse Prevention as well as children’s mindfulness programs. I believe I happened to register for the perfect MBSR course at the perfect time. I needed an intense experience to understand that my thoughts were not my identity. I went on to do my MBSR Teacher’s Practicum and attended more silent retreats. The benefit outweighed the struggle. That’s for sure.
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