Self-Care! Little You, Big You

Self-Care requires listening to the Big You, even if the Little You is resistant. It is one of those concepts that many people cringe at. In fact, just the word self-care can make elicit anxiety, discomfort and guilt. Imagine how we arrived here; in a world where caring for yourself goes against the grain of our busyness martyrs. Drive yourself into the ground with work and people are impressed. Assert a personal, healthy boundary and everyone hates you. Let’s get deeper into this topic because when you take good care of yourself, you take good care of everyone and everything around you as well.

Little You

Little You is your ego; your fears, your limitations, rights and wrongs or good and bad. We can lump all of that into the word ego. Ego, in this context, is a layer of your consciousness. It is a very important layer because without the ego, we would all die immediately. Ego does not mean you are egotistical or arrogant. I mean, you might be, but that’s not the definition I am referring to here.

Ego is a layer or type of thought; often called the monkey mind or the thinking mind. Our consciousness has many layers of information that flow into our interpretation organ (brain), get compared to our past experiences, and conclusions about the information are formed. These conclusions are called thoughts. They are originally not a thought form; our interpretation of a stimulus is what creates a thought.

Little You has a lot of Feelings

The Little You is driven by the ego and keeping it in check is challenging. Little You is upset when you lose or when you feel attacked or invalidated. Little You also knows right from wrong, according to your beliefs, and creates polarity in your life. Good and bad, kind and mean, danger and safe, etc. The Little You is the layer that creates stories, worries and future predictions.

Little You is extremely important. As I said, we’d all die without this layer of our consciousness. If we saw a polar bear chillin’ out downtown and it ate our friend, without the ego to tell us ‘hey, that was unpleasant for our friend. Maybe we shouldn’t pet that polar bear’, we would willingly approach the bear with zero consideration of our safety. The ego, Little You, is critical for survival.

Big You

Big You is your intuition. It is another layer of information. It’s common to feel that all information is thought; that all thoughts are equal. Thought is a confusing term because much of our perception happens outside of conscious thought. It is more difficult to perceive because until we form a thought about the perception, we may not notice it. Big You is a whisper. A feeling or an insight.

Big You doesn’t worry about right and wrong from the perspective of human systems and egoic determinations of a situation. This layer of you is a voice that speaks behind the ego. With enough practice, it becomes easy to hear the voice of Big You and differentiate it from Little You. Big You knows what direction you should go and it produces ‘gut feelings’. Little You and Big You work together in your life; your intuition and gut feelings attempting to cooperate with your urges, fears, rights and wrongs. It’s a confusing world to be You.

Wordless Big You

Self-Care requires listening to Big You so that you know what you truly need. Big You won’t list a bunch of reasons to avoid self-care however Big You also won’t list a bunch of reasons FOR self-care. Big You simply conveys, through wordless insight, what you need and feel. Then, it’s up to Little You to accept your own intuition, trust Big You and act on the messages that Big You is sending.

The difficulty in listening to your intuition is that Little You gives you every reason why it should be the number one controller of your life. But we can’t let that happen because Little You needs Big You in order to keep You safe and sound; healthy and happy; balanced and steady.

Self-Care Mind Map

A great way of creating a self-care plan for yourself is to create a mind map. A mind map takes a particular thought, goal or idea and maps out the variables, options, objectives and/or strategies. Self-care is generalized into one word and often, we just don’t know where to start. Do I buy a yacht? Do I give away one of my kids? Do I move to a tropical island?

Self-Care Excuses that are Not True but seem like they are so we believe them

I have no time for self-care. Self-care is selfish. I will not take care of myself because I am too busy taking care of others. Therefore it is logical to let myself deteriorate so that I can care for those around me, sacrificing my own health and ultimately awaiting my mental or physical demise, if that doesn’t come before death from resentment and rage.

Cool story, bro. Let’s try something different.

Self-Care is Wisdom

Self-care is being wise selfish, a term the Dalai Lama uses. It doesn’t mean buying a yacht (but it can…it can). One of the greatest tips on self-care I’ve received recently was about parenting. As a single mom, there is no moment where my daughter doesn’t want to hang out with me. That’s always lovely and I appreciate her affection so much. But, do I need to let her climb on me while I’m on the toilet? Does she need to get in the shower with me? It is selfish to hide in the basement?

Self-Care for Parents

Janet Lansbury talked about privacy and physical boundaries as a form of self-care. Before reading her article, I assumed I couldn’t ask for privacy from a toddler because that’s poor parenting. In reality, it is very healthy parenting to teach your children the concept of privacy. It is ok to ask for privacy and close the bathroom door, once I ensure my daughter is in a safe space.

It’s ok if she’s sad; I can support her through emotions without making her feel like I want them to go away. I don’t. I want her to express her full range of emotion and know that it does not hurt me, I am grateful and willing to be her support when she shares her emotion with me and in no way do I take it personally. She is permitted to feel everything and I will love her though it.

Boundaries for Little You

Another boundary is physical. My daughter wants to crawl up my body recently and then back tuck off my chest (no idea where she gets it). It’s ok to say no to your child. It’s ok to put them down and say “I’m making supper right now so I cannot hold you”. To offer time for affection, as much as you want, and also offer a personal boundary gives your child the same authority. I can be affectionate when I want and when I need space, I am allowed to respectfully ask for it. Children don’t have to hug on command. Nor do we. We can love, be close, be respectful and kind while maintaining boundaries for our own well-being.

Self-Care Organization

The best way to ensure you’ll bring a self-care plan into your life is to write it down and tape it up somewhere. Each day, try to do one thing. Eventually over time, the plan will become your norm and by practicing diligently and without self-judgment, you’re training Little You to accept and integrate self-care as a lifestyle.

Don’t wait until you’ve lost your health. At that point, self-care is too late. Self-care is a lifestyle that keeps you well and ideally, prevents breakdown, exhaustion, resentment and mindlessness.  I have arranged self-care into four sections for better organization of your plan.

Self-Care Planning

Functional – these options require action. They are not over-the-top, yacht-calibre actions but do require time and conscious movement. They involve operationalizing your self-care activity.

Observable – these options require mindfulness. They are elements around you, particularly related to sensory information, which you take a moment to notice and appreciate. They do not require any operational planning; they are based on creating safety and security using your sense organs.

Proactive – these options are critical to maintain optimal health. You can list items that you know you need in your life. If you see a regular specialist for a condition, that goes here. If you do physiotherapy, doing your physio exercises also fits. These proactive choices enable you to maintain a baseline of manageable health and sanity.

Extraordinary – these options are big actions. Often there is a misunderstanding with self-care that items on this list are the definition of self-care because it’s obvious they are enjoyable. In reality, these options happen the least often. They are peak experiences and options that need to be integrated however they are not our everyday plan. Looking forward to a vacation is great; caring for yourself each and every day up to that vacation is even better.

Mind Mapping

Here is an example of a Self-Care Mind Map I created. Each option has a list of three items, as an example of the way you can fill in your own mind map. Choose options that are realistic, personalized, reasonable and enjoyable. You are welcome to use mine as well! I will provide downloads for a template and this completed mind map.

Here is a downloadable PDF of the exact image above. You can use my mind map as your guide!

Here is a downloadable PDF template of the above document with no self-care items in it. It’s a template for you to print, fill in and implement. Customize your own mind map so it fits your lifestyle. Self-care options may include emotional, physical, relationship, spiritual or social. It is YOUR mind map that is built by the Big You. Use your intuition to fill it in and encourage Little You to allow you to do this. See what happens!

Self-Care Outcomes

There are numerous studies on the benefits of self-care and very few (none) on the benefits of self-harm. Is there a middle ground? Always! However the middle way doesn’t include any self-harm or destruction because self-care is the foundation of the plan. Perhaps your mind map is filled with observable options and less extraordinary options because that fits your lifestyle. Or perhaps you focus on functional goals that are simple, cost-effective and enjoyable.

The benefits of self-care include, but are not limited to; resiliency, overall well-being, enhanced self-esteem, increased self-knowledge and awareness, better productivity, increased patience, better physical health and more to give. As I said at the beginning, when we take very good care of ourselves, we take very good care of everyone and everything around us as well.

The best thing you can say to someone when you have no words is “take good care of yourself”. It is universal advice. Take good care. I say it each and every time I give away a granola bar for my Granola Bar Practice. It does have an impact. I’ve watched it transform the mentality of a person immediately. Take good care. You matter. I see you.

Don’t forget your customizable Self-Care Mind Map! 

Or use my mind map as your guide!

What is your most effective self-care strategy? Please share. We can all use an addition to our mind map!

Thank you for reading!