A warning to those who have been sexually violated; please know this article includes references to violence against children.
I have finished an eight year court case, preceded by decades of silence. It took most of the energy I had in me to get through it. It was a sexual assault and battery case against a former gymnastics coach, the gymnastics facility where it occurred repeatedly and the gymnastics governing body. I have been so afraid to speak about my experience. I still am. I suppose I am going to be afraid and do it anyway. Because it is the reason I fought the battle I did. To speak. To help others speak too.
Gymnastics is Amazing. The Sport Ruins It.
Sometimes, some things – they never feel ok. Sexual abuse never feels ok and it is always hard to face it, speak about it or hear about it. That doesn’t mean we should turn away. Sexual abuse in competitive gymnastics is unbelievably insidious, far too common and normalized in a manner incomparable to anything you could imagine, unless you’re trapped in the middle of it.
Larry Nassar proved to the world that gymnasts have been in abusive environments for years, in ways we couldn’t have imagined. Numerous Canadian gymnastics coaches have been investigated for abuse allegations and/or charged. My case popped up in the local newspaper shortly after the claim was filed. I spoke to a few other gymnasts from that time period once it came out; individuals that had been in my group or in the gym during the time of the abuse. I am forever grateful for the courage they had in corroborating my story and coming forward.
The below statement of evidence was provided to the House of Commons Standing Committee on Canadian Heritage. It was presented by a member of Gymnasts 4 Change, Kim Shore, as I was not able to speak. I wasn’t ready. She, a fellow survivor, was my voice and I am so grateful for her courage. This is what I am able to share now. Perhaps, I will write more. Perhaps, I will not. Emotionally, physically and mentally – this is what I am able to share and the avenue in which I can share it. This is is my story, from my lens and perspective.
Change has occurred in competitive gymnastics and continues to. Recently a web page appeared online from Gymnastics Canada that lists expelled/suspended gymnastics coaches. I believe that is a good step. A fair step to move us toward awareness.
If the link above does not work, Gymnastics Ontario provides the same information. Here is a link.
Culture of Abuse
The culture of abuse is becoming more illuminated in many countries and brave survivors have come forward to bring the abuses of competitive gymnastics in Canada to light. It is only recently that I realized I am not alone. I thought it only happened to me. There is a new level of awareness in Canadian sports and gymnastics has been at the forefront of challenging the systematic, longstanding abuse that plagues such a beautiful sport. A sport that so many love. A class action lawsuit in currently underway in Canada, for survivors of abuse in gymnastics. This lawsuit includes the provincial organization that was a defendant in my civil case; two lawsuits underway simultaneously for abuse. Change must happen in Canada.
Statement of Evidence – March 2023
By Nadia El-Gabalawy
Gymnastics. I Loved It.
I competed in artistic gymnastics for sixteen years, in Canada and the United States, starting when I was two years old. When I was seven years old, I moved to Winnipeg, Manitoba and joined a local gymnastics club. While training there, I was threatened and raped by my gymnastics coach. It happened on Thursdays, in a locked bathroom stall. A few years after I left that gym, my abuser was convicted of sex crimes against two other children and went to federal prison.
As an adult, I became a gymnastics coach in Manitoba, traveling to Western Canadian Championships with our provincial team. The coach who had raped me as a child had since been released from Stony Mountain Penitentiary. Despite his convictions for child sex crimes, he returned to “train” at the facility I was now working in, which ran gymnastics programs that were always filled with children. He was permitted back into the gym by one of my former coaches, who was well aware of his criminal history. By this time, she was also sitting on the board of Manitoba Gymnastics.
You Taught Me. You.
One day in my mid-twenties, as I played on bars swinging in a circle as fast as I could, he complimented me. I was a coach at that time. Giants, the skill is called. He said the skill was very well done and he hadn’t seen anyone do it like that in a while. I did not thank him. I did not say anything. Twenty years prior, he used that very skill to groom and violate me; he taught me that skill.
Broken Silence, Broken Heart
In the fall of 2015, I reported the abuse to the Winnipeg Police Sex Crimes Unit. In doing so, I trusted the people in charge of our sport, in the gym where the abuse happened and in the provincial sport organization, to testify in support; they knew the truth just as I did. I had grown up with these people as mentors; they had taught me to be a gymnast and a gymnastics coach, and I trusted them to be honest and forthcoming. I had no concern whatsoever that I would not be believed in coming forward and identifying him as my coach and abuser.
The police conducted multiple interviews from 2015 to 2017. However, none of the coaches admitted that he was in the gym at the time of the abuse. They were adamant he was not a gymnastics coach, that no one had any information about him, and that no one saw him in the gym. These denials came from coaches who worked alongside him every day, as well as provincial administrators, who were aware of him acting as a coach at the time. The criminal investigation closed after a year, citing no evidence and no witnesses. It shocked me in a way that made me physically sick. I didn’t understand how the coaches who were present at that time could say he was not there. I couldn’t wrap my head around the feeling of confusion and betrayal.
It’s my fault.
Shortly after the criminal investigation began, I also launched a civil sexual assault and battery lawsuit against my former coach, as well as two corporate defendants, Panthers Gymnastics Club and the Manitoba Gymnastics Association. The police told me the reason the gymnastics community in Manitoba denied his presence in the gym is because I spooked them by starting civil litigation. I believed that it was my fault. I ruined it by speaking out. I was devastated and many times unsure of how to continue living. How do I hold this knowledge, this betrayal, and also find happiness? I lost hope many times.
When You’re Walking Through Hell
Once the civil litigation began, there was no going back. The litigation process was torture – there were many lawyers, and my life was shredded apart. Forensic psychologists, actuarial reports, every medical record and report card, trauma, or injury; countless motions for dismissal and the most painful destruction of my privacy I could imagine. The stress and anger I felt were immense, and I felt that if I didn’t prove my truth, I had absolutely no idea how I would carry on living.
The civil litigation took eight years. I began the case in 2015. The claim was officially filed in 2016. A 4-week trial was scheduled for March 2023. I stayed silent the entire time because I did not want to do anything to compromise my case; I felt I had already compromised the criminal case by speaking out. Speaking the truth and keeping silent were warring parts of my mind and I wasn’t sure which was the ‘right’ choice. I waited, trusted my lawyer, and kept going.
Finding Strength and Hope
During the time I waited for the civil litigation to reach a trial date, I had a baby on my own through a fertility clinic, as I would not let my abuser take that from me. That little girl became my anchor to life. I worked and went to eating disorder treatment. I battled post-traumatic stress disorder. I battled my own mind and was never free; my waking moments spent practicing mindfulness to keep me safe but at night, I was haunted by him. Every night I relive the abuse and the inability to speak my truth. I wake up feeling as if I have screamed, silently, all night long.
My Life, My Voice
Five weeks before the trial was scheduled to begin, all defendants agreed to a settlement. It took eight years for the people I thought I could trust to admit my abuser was in the gym at all. But eventually, they did.
I do not wish this horrendous experience upon anyone. From the outset, I fought for one thing: my voice; my right to speak about my own life experiences. I did not sign a non-disclosure agreement nor a confidentiality agreement as a part of the settlement. I am free. With that privilege, I hope that the institutional collusion to cover up these abuses is clearly illuminated in my speaking out. The process of breaking your silence should not be as painful as the trauma that caused it. And it was. It was that painful.
I have never stopped loving gymnastics, however, the culture of the sport must change.
Translate Reality 2019 Edition is the first novel of a three part book series. This edition is written from the lens of laughter, compassion and facing challenges with humility and an edge of sarcasm. This exciting journey takes off as an outlier on fire. Single mother by choice and the adventure begins.
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