Fun and Done. A Toddler’s Wedding Performance

This weekend, I was lucky enough to attend a wedding; a very important wedding! I was the Maid of Honour for my sister and BIL (brother-in-law). While there were many wonderful moments I could share, this article is about how fun it is to include toddlers in your wedding ceremony. Fun and Done. A Toddler’s Wedding Performance.

The Three Toddlers

You simply will never compare to the spectacle I’ve just been witness to. Or victim of, depending on how you look at it. We had three toddlers as a part of the wedding; all cousins. They were all born the same year which meant a 2 year old, a near 2 year old and an 18 monther (mine). For simplicity, I will call them T1, T2 and T3 which is the munchkin chronological order.

Toddler Performance Planning

Prior to the wedding, we all came up with a beautiful plan in our minds. Three tiny, gorgeous wedding chairs in the front row, adorned with bows, painted white and perfect for three little girls. A lovely fantasy had formed in our minds of three sweet flower girls walking hand in hand with their parents, and creating a most beautiful entrance for a most beautiful bride. These fantasies came together quite a while ago, as we discussed how cute they’d look on the chairs, in matching outfits and with their little flower baskets for tossing petals in perfect unison. Then we actually met our toddlers.

Prior to baby wedding mania, we had a wedding rehearsal and it was at this point that the family realized the toddlers were not, in fact, going to be walking like flowery angels down the aisle. Not one of them even made it to the aisle. Mine pretended to be a dead body and dropped to the ground the moment I took her hand. T1 and T2 had similar experiences, complete with “NO! NONONO!” as our background symphony. I had never even seen my daughter walk the distance of the aisle. I could drag her though, if she did the dead body act so I had options. We left the venue knowing without a shade of doubt that the babies would be a performance, and not the one we had envisioned.

Performance Readiness and Response

On the day of the wedding, we all waited in a charming old house that was decorated with the most amazing antique furniture. It had cozy rooms, mirrors and character. At least 90% of the objects in the house were breakable, not counting the mirrors. As the wedding party adjusted hair, make-up and taped our dresses into our bodies, we simultaneously handed out animal crackers, changed diapers, nursed, bribed the children with soothers, toys and more animal crackers in the hopes they would fulfill every wedding fantasy we had created. They climbed on and off couches and showed zero evidence of the hard work we had put into nap attempts earlier that day.

Toddler Wedding Performance

As we waited in the beautiful, breakable antique house, I heard the wedding music begin and the wedding planner began to line us up. We knew, somewhat, the order we were meant to walk in. Every parent took the hand of their assigned toddler. Breakdown ensued. It was an immediate gong show. The kids went fucking bonkers simply because we attempted to line them up. My sister said she had actually never seen her daughter so upset. T2 was crying and hitting a car seat. T3 (mine) was laying in said car seat, infuriating poor little T2. T1 was doing pretty well as her mother desperately tried to finish nursing T4; the newest family addition (who would have walked down the aisle if he could walk or crawl or wasn’t three seconds old).

Each little toddler had a basket of flower petals to hold and ideally, distribute evenly and perfectly as they walked down the aisle. If my child had even held the basket, I would have been impressed. I say ‘would have’ because in no way did she hold the basket. She used it as a weapon during the car seat fiasco and tossed the flowers in a destructive rage-fest. And the wedding began.

The Aisle of Fun

The groom walked down the aisle with T2 in hand. She was doing great! She spotted the crowd and became a teeny, tiny statue. It is the most still I have ever seen my niece or any human, actually. She was more stationary than the trees surrounding her. Her Papa attempted to convince her to keep walking and after a few moments, it was clear she was in some type of toddler fight, flight or freeze moment and was immobile. He picked her up to carry her down the aisle and she remained in a statue-like pose; stiff and unwavering in her stoic approach to being a flower girl. I have no idea where the basket went; long gone.

T3 and Me

The best man walked down the aisle next, toddler free, and I will say that he crushed it. I followed and took the hand of my daughter, T3. She had recently tossed her weapon basket, the petals were somewhere on the deck of the house and again, she hit the ground like a dead weight. I stood her up and started walking. By some miracle, she actually held my hand and walked all the way down the aisle. I kept saying “you’re doing so well!” as I walked at her pace, noticing when she began the limp hand move (which precedes dead body move) and squeezed it even harder in response. No. This is your aunt’s wedding and you WILL pretend to be alive, dammit!

T1 did a great job but did need to be carried by her father, who was also the marriage commissioner. I know what you’re thinking and yes, we did plan this perfectly and realistically. He actually delivered a good portion of the wedding with T1 in his arms or T4, the tiniest participant. As we all arrived at the front and watched the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle (my amazing sister), the fun really began.

Nudity or Injury?

The toddlers began a loud, exciting game of ring-around-the-rosy, encircling my dress. This led them to discover that my dress, in all its flowing glory, would make a perfect swing. All three toddlers hung off my dress and began a lively game of hide and seek. The hiding place was under my dress. The T’s slammed into the back of my legs, as I held two bouquets of flowers and got into my kickboxing stance. I was positive that either my dress would rip and I would be immediately naked at my sister’s wedding, or one of the munchkins would slam in to the back of my knee hard enough that I would completely fucking flat-line it onto my back, right in the middle of the ceremony. Which would have been worse? No idea. Nudity or injury. I never thought that would be my dilemma at my sister’s wedding.

Fun and Done

The games around my dress and climbing up my body turned into a choir. And by choir, I mean a screaming competition. T3 simply let out a loud, audible “aaahhhh” as my BIL and sister said their vows. I discreetly covered her entire face with my hand; a gentle face palm. She shuffled her little lips in between my fingers and continued “aaaaahhhhh” as I held her face like the good mother I am.

We had friends on the outskirts of the ceremony and each had been assigned as a Kid Catcher.  The time came for their important role when the toddlers discovered the garden and archway, believing it was an enchanted forest for screaming fun. I enlisted my friend who is seven months pregnant because I felt, naturally, jogging through foliage would be a pleasure for her. I’m a nice friend like that.

Delayed Milestones Ensue

As my other BIL (marriage commissioner) alternated which of his children he held and attempted to say very sentimental words about the couple, T3 decided that would be the moment she demonstrated her crawling abilities. She scooted until she could walk; crawling never came. She proceeded to crawl, at a fucking glacial pace, down the entire aisle and back and forth in front of the couple.

Her dress dragged in the grass and mud; she giggled in happiness and eventually arrived at her favourite location. My legs. She then proceeded to slam her head into my crotch multiple times, trying to entice me to lift her legs upside down (her favourite game). No, T3, we cannot do a handstand right now. I couldn’t actually move because of the boxing stance (for steadiness), flowers and Kleenexes my sister had me hold. When I didn’t lift her legs, she slowly melted herself to the ground, head first, until she was in a crumbled ball at my feet. Beauty.

Nudity Perhaps

I tried to fix the train of my sister’s dress, which only gave the munchkin clan an opportunity to actually climb on my back so I became a well-dressed horse. I peeled them off gently and they proceeded to join T3 in the crotch slam game. This was great for me because the toddlers, all three, began fighting over who could get the furthest under my dress. That escalated to yet another game of screaming peek-a-boo and another opportunity for me to flash two hundred and fifty of my closest friends.

The three perfect little white chairs became a complete liability. Useless af. The tots, particularly mine, climbed on them, stood on them, nearly wiped out multiple times and at no point did I see a single child sitting on the chair. On my dress? Yes. On my sister’s wedding dress? Hard yes. On a chair? Absolutely not. NONONO.

Toddler Aftermath

By the end of the ceremony, I was so happy for the couple (who I love dearly) and as sore as the one time I completed an Olympic length triathlon. My dress had become so tight and backwards because of all the pulling that I had a rib crushing sensation arising. My quads were shaking and my calf muscles cramped. Even my feet hurt from digging my high heels into the ground, in order to create a stronger base of support for my special role as Breathing, Stationary Jungle Gym. Days later, I am still taking ibuprofen because I am sore af.

Toddler Finale

The wedding continued without any glitches because things were very well planned. The plan was ‘pick the children up immediately after the ceremony. IMMEDIATELY’. We had babysitters (bless all of you) and as the tots headed home to bed after a massively successful wedding, I took four shots of Fireball, taped my bra back in the correct location and then gave a speech with my SIL (sister-in-law). Nailed it. Toddlers for the win; fun for the whole family. *fireball*

For our next formal event, they will be assigned as the sole entertainment. No band, no dancing. Just alcohol and toddlers. The performance will be unparalleled. I promise.

Have you attended a formal event with a toddler?

How’d that go? Comment below! Suggestions welcome. We only had so many animal crackers…