Single Mother by Choice. Health, Planning and Lifestyle

What was the Choice part like?  It’s a common question. When I announced I was pregnant, I believe a significant number of people were confused and immediately contacted my best friend to ask her WTF was going on. I gave no explanation whatsoever, until recently. How did I make the choice? What did the process look like? Being a Single Mother by Choice involves health, planning and lifestyle considerations.

Lifestyle

The journey began with a physician and then an OB-GYN where we discussed my intention, health and life circumstances. A series of tests were done to check if there were any obvious issues preventing conception. Decisions were made to change my lifestyle so that conception and motherhood would be successful. I stopped drinking coffee and alcohol long before I was pregnant, exercised regularly and was diligent about nutrition. I assessed my home and determined it wouldn’t be easy to raise a child there so I left my house and moved into a condo.  Knowing it would simplify my home life and create more space for a child, I am so glad I made the decision to move.

Sidebar: Out of dire necessity, I have returned to coffee. *sips coffee*

Mental Health

Everyone can relate to struggles with physical and mental health, often co-existing. I went into my first meeting and told the physician every possible issue that I thought made me inadequate. It began like this; “here’s my baggage. Hold on there’s nine more suitcases”. I viewed these issues as a medley of limitations, challenges and pieces of my life that I was determined to overcome because in my heart I was already a mother. The process of evaluating my mental health meant asking myself ‘have I accepted the impact of my life’ and ‘do I know how to take good care of myself’.

Resources for Coping

Coping is a set of skills that could be adaptive or maladaptive. Learning to cope with stress in adaptive ways is imperative to becoming a parent. Our children emulate our actions so teaching them to cope requires a full understanding of how to do that for ourselves. All of my support systems were considered and have been integral to the journey; truly angels in my life. It takes a village. Or in my case, a multi-jurisdictional league of helpers trained in emergency management and culinary arts.

A resource for coping comes back to self-care. Am I able to take care of myself? My coping toolbox is an ever-filling, continuously-evolving, treasure chest of helpfulness.

Education about Single Parenting

There is plenty of education on single parenting and more importantly, parenting. I believe educating ourselves as parents is one of the most crucial, impactful aspects of the commitment to be a parent. Why would anyone NOT want to be educated on the most important role they will ever have?

The Single Mother by Choice community was an incredible source of education. I spoke to other parents about their experiences and read books on parenting; from behavioral to philosophical. I listen to the Podcast Unruffled by Janet Lansbury and consider her a parent guide in my life. In our society, it takes more studying, practice and testing to drive a car than to have a child. I even had to take a course to become a certified babysitter when I was twelve.

Our Future

Educating ourselves and not simply trusting anecdotal evidence or personal experience is essential for true learning. Our kids deserve our commitment to ongoing education. Recently a letter from Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau was found in a time capsule. It was a letter written fifty years ago to the day.

In fifty years, I may not be here. You may not be here. Our children will be running this world. Raising a child is creating, shaping and impacting the future of humanity. It IS the most important role you can undertake. Think of every historically significant person you can; the good and the bad. All of them had parents and all of them changed the world. For the better or worse often begins in childhood.

Financial Planning

To become a Single Mother by Choice, you have to know without a shadow of a doubt that you can give your child a healthy, happy life. That doesn’t mean daily gifts and the highest price swaddle one can find. Planning means learning about the costs of having a child and knowing that you have enough intelligence, resources and life experience to make it work. I could never fit my daughter perfectly into a budget. Excel demolished my plans, and feelings, on a regular basis. I did, however, have the confidence to know I was resourceful and educated. I would make it work, no matter what.

Job stability comes into play and I looked at this aspect from the vantage point of current employment, potential to move up, long term benefit plans and my capability to work. Job security may not come directly from a job position however it might be established from the understanding of skill sets and potential to create opportunities.

Trust Yourself

No one ever feels ready, especially someone about to embark on single parenthood. It goes against the social grain. We all feel scared. It is natural, and even healthy, because it’s an opportunity to notice fear and use it to gain greater skills; thus gaining greater confidence and resilience. Learn to know and trust yourself. As far back as Ancient Egypt, from Socrates to Plato to the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, there has been a consistent piece of advice for understanding human nature. Know Thyself.

Assessment

During the process of applying to be in the artificial insemination program at the fertility clinic, I had to participate in a psychological evaluation. I was extremely anxious about it and each of the above factors was explored during the session. I was completely upfront from the moment I went in and that included talking about the most difficult parts of my life because I WANTED a professional to tell me if I was unprepared for motherhood.

The psychological assessment was the most beneficial aspect of the preparation process.

It compelled me to be the best version of myself that I could. The assessment was not only helpful because I had a psychologist making a real and true evaluation about my ability to be a parent, but I was given a huge plethora of resources as well.

If I had to evaluate myself, I would have failed in every area except physical health. We all feel inadequate. The psychologist did not expect perfection in any area and was supportive of that which I was nervous about. She gave me advice, not criticism.

Perfect people don’t exist.

I came out of the session knowing that someone with a PhD and a significant amount of experience, who was a Single Mother by Choice as well, believed I could do it. That gave me the confidence I needed to believe in myself, despite the challenges I anticipated.

Ironically, the one area I was confident in (physical health) was the epic loser of the entire situation. I lived…but barely. My pregnancy was truly such a ridiculous gong show that if I tell the story, it will be an inspiration for birth control.

Choice

My Choice was made in January of 2014. I wrote a letter to my daughter in March of that year, asking her to choose me as a mother. She was born in December of 2017. Four years. It was the best choice I have ever made and I love my daughter more than life itself. So much so that I might even do it again!

I have created a helpful Life Hack called Single Mother by Choice. A Guide to Answering Invasive Questions. Check it out!

*sips coffee*

I wholeheartedly believe EVERY parent should be given the amazing opportunity I had because the process of parent evaluation is what every child deserves.
If you had the Choice to have a psychological evaluation done before having your first child, would you?